Pharma Giles writes...... in a parallel universe far far away

NEW YORK, NY and MADISON, NJ--January 26, 2009 – Phoni Pharm Inc. and Whyus Co. today announced that they have entered into a python/dead rat “merger” agreement under which Phoni Pharm Inc. (the “python”) will acquire Whyus Co. (the “dead rat”) in a cash-and-stock transaction that is guaranteed to make both Boards of Directors even richer than they are now.

The combined company will ensure that Phoni Pharm Inc. will continue to be the World’s largest intellectual parasite of the global health care industry. Operating through the leveraged take-overs of small, focused enterprises by use of its massive scale and ruthless financial and legal resources, the company will continue to destroy long-term human healthcare innovation solely to support short-term fiscal rewards for its executives and shareholders.

Strategic Overview

Johnny B. Sinister, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Phoni Pharm Inc., said, “The combination of Phoni Pharm Inc. and Whyus Co. provides a powerful opportunity to make lots more money for our executives whilst destroying yet another productive R & D-based pharmaceutical company. It will produce the world’s richest biopharmaceutical company whose distinct blend of bureaucracy, greed, and ruthless corporate dishonesty positions it for massive financial success in a dynamic global health care environment.”

“The new company will continue to be an industry leader in downsizing, outsourcing and asset-stripping. With our combined biopharmaceuticals business, it will continue with further leveraged buy-outs of healthy and productive companies in order to make up for its own complete lack of innovation. Its geographic presence in most of the world’s poorest countries will be unrivalled, enabling it to shut down US and EU operations and exploit alternative cheap third-world labour and lax regulation on an unprecedented global scale.”

Bertrand Poisson, Chairman, President and Chief Executive Officer of Whyus Co., said, “Whyus Co.’s commitment to scientific innovation has enabled us to build a diversified biopharmaceutical company with leadership in attractive growth areas such as vaccines, nutritionals and biologics. In addition, because we were early to see the potential of biotechnology to create life-changing medicines, we now have a strong franchise which includes the number one biotechnology product in the world.”

“Our employees should be enormously proud of what we have built, and now they can be confident that by combining with Phoni Pharm Inc., we will accelerate our Board’s pursuit of personnel wealth by selling both them and our unique and innovative culture down the river. So long suckers, and thanks for all the cash...”

Mr. Sinister continued, “With this combination, Phoni Pharm Inc. will reduce patient choice around the world by increasing its stranglehold on broader portfolios of major biopharmaceutical products. By the sheer weight of its financial leverage, Phoni Pharm Inc. will advance its mission of helping its executives toward a wealthier world.”

“Over the last two years, Phoni Pharm Inc. has become a leaner, meaner, and far smaller company that has demonstrated superior and consistent downsizing, demonising and abuse of its existing employees.”

Mr. Sinister added, “Over the last several years, Whyus Co.’s leadership and its employees have done an outstanding job creating a strong, diversified biopharmaceutical company. That made them a prime target for takeover, and we’d like to thank them for that. You can rest assured that the people, products, and technologies that Whyus Co. brings to the new company will be asset-stripped and assimilated in record time.”

A Broad Portfolio of Health Care Solutions and Treatments

The product portfolios of Phoni Pharm. and Whyus will be brought together to offer customers and patients a broad range of products for an unprecedented spectrum of human healthcare requirements,” Mr Sinister continued.

“ For instance, Frantix, Phoni’s blockbusting smoking cessation treatment, offers patients a wide choice of side-effects, such as suicide idealisation and weight gain, in exactly the same way as Whyus’s Effluvium, its largest-selling anti-depressant product, does”.

“And not only that, but Effluvium comes off-patent at exactly the same time as Phoni’s biggest-selling product, our cholesterol-lowering agent Lucrative. So you can see that there is a huge synergy between our major product ranges.”

“It’s the same story with our exciting R&D portfolios,” added Whyus’s Mr. Poisson. “We don’t have any new products, and neither do Phoni. Phoni’s acquisition of Whyus thereby creates a company with an unprecedented absence of global R&D success and innovation.”

For Patients Tomorrow – More “me-toos” and lower quality medicines

The new company will have more resources to invest in research and development than any other biopharmaceutical company and access to all leading scientific technology platforms, including vaccines, small and large molecules, nutritionals and consumer products.

Instead, it will use those resources to pay off tens of thousands of employees to reduce costs and broaden profit margins for the benefit of investors. It will also have to settle a vast legacy of legal settlements for a lengthy list of past illegal activities and product liability actions.

“In fact, news of the take-over gave us a chance to bury the fact that most of last year’s profits at Phoni went on a record legal settlement of our latest off-label marketing scam,” quipped Mr. Sinister.

The new company will have an enhanced ability to close even more sites. Each business unit will oversee product development from clinical trials to commercialization, all in far-eastern subsidiaries. This approach will allow for rapid downsizing and a more financially efficient use of resources and, as a result, will enhance the company’s ability to continue to reward its executives and shareholders with the huge bonuses to which they have become accustomed.
The combination will allow the closure of expensive-to-run high quality and high volume manufacturing capabilities in US and European territories, including the largest integrated biotechnology manufacturing facility in the world, and the transfer of these operations to cheaper and less-heavily regulated subsidiaries in China and Korea.

For Employees Everywhere – no pain, no gain

“The new company will be called ‘PHONI!!!’, to reflect the value placed on its constituent parts,” explained Mr. Sinister, “although we did consider the idea of ‘Whyni’, which in many ways describes our future employees.”

“Regrettably, it is inevitable that some lay-offs will occur in any hostile take-over, sorry, merger, such as this one. Indeed, the only way we were able to persuade the banks to loan us tax-payer’s bail-out cash was to guarantee massive cost-saving redundancies in order to pay the enormous interest rates.”

“However, employees of both companies can be assured that we will be applying our well-established and consistent approach to lay-offs, in line with our corporate policies of Respect, Fairness and Diversity. Thus, all employees who used to work for a company whose name began with a “W” will be downsized, irrespective of race or gender, as against only half of those employees who work for a company whose name begins with a “P”. What could be fairer than that?”

“Given the current economic climate, we will naturally do everything to support those employees who will be selected to participate in our forthcoming salary-withdrawal scheme, “ continued Mr. Sinister.

“As part of our “Shining Path” initiative, we have already begun distribution of free black plastic bags to enable people to clear their desks into, for example. In addition, our highly-trained corporate security staff will escort former employees off site with Dignity and Respect, and have been instructed not to snigger or shout “nee-ner, nee-ner, bye bye loser” at downsizees.”

“It’s practices like these that place Phoni at the forefront of pharmaceutical HR management and will make PHONI!!! such a Great Place To Work, “ enthused Sinister. “Until the next take-over, anyway…”