...recent pharma sales force reductions...
...a sudden rush to settle past off-label marketing investigations in the US at the same time as off-label promotion is to be accepted as legal by the FDA...
What is going on?
Fortunately, Phoni Pharm. CEO Johnny B. Sinister explains all...
Phoni Pharm. Inc today announced that it was planning to reduce its US sales force headcount by over 2,500, or nearly 30%, during 2009.
“This move is in no way related to our recent hostile takeover and proposed asset-strip, sorry, acquisition, of Whyus,” said Phoni CEO Johnny B. Sinister. The Whyus takeover move has been welcomed by the financial sector given the promise of massive loan interest repayments, and also by Phoni investors, who have shown their enthusiasm for the takeover by wiping 20% off of the Phoni stock price since the announcement was made.
“The move to reduce our sales force was taken before the random desperation-stakes decision to buy up Whyus”, Sinister explained, “and was driven by our recent agreement to take a $2.3 billion dollar charge to end yet another federal investigation related to off-label marketing of our CASH-2 medicines Grababux and Buxtra.
“Not that we admit to any wrong doing,” Sinister emphasised, “we just like giving money to federal authorities, especially as they are a bit short of cash to give to banks who can then give it back to us so that we can buy up other companies…”
The recent rash of multi-million dollar settlements by Phoni and others has been widely interpreted as an attempt by the pharmaceutical industry to demonstrate to the new US administration that it is ‘getting its house in order”.
“We’ve worked hard to try and make sure that billion dollar settlements for corporate misdemeanours such as off-label marketing become a thing of the past,” said Sinister.
“That’s why we spent a fortune lobbying the previous administration to get off-label promotion legalised. And whilst we’ve done our best to make sure that the new administration is just as full of bought-and-paid-for patsies as the last one was, we don’t want to take any chances,” said Sinister. “$2.3 billion could turn out to be a good deal if the Democrats really live up to their promises…”
Phoni has been working closely with government investigators in order to help identify those responsible for the illegal marketing of Grababux and Buxtra. “We have traced these activities right back through the organisation to individual sales staff, and these employees will be making up many of those whose roles are being terminated,” said Sinister.
“After all, if these guys are dumb enough to get caught, we don’t want them as sales reps,” he argued. “Our disciplinary actions are in accordance with our Core Behaviours - our company values demand that we only employ sales representatives who are devious weasels of the highest calibre and smart enough to cover up all trace of illegal practices.”
“As for the rest of the deselected”, Sinister added, “they’ll be made of the sexually unattractive and all males over the age of fifty as usual, in line with our corporate policies on Respect and Diversity. After all, we don’t any mingers or old codgers in our field staff, do we…?”
Phoni has not ruled out further sales force reductions as a result of the recent takeover of Whyus.
“Now that off-label promotion via third-rate medical journals is acceptable, we won’t need as many sales staff reps as it’ll be far easier to broaden our markets without all of those time-consuming safety studies to worry about. That’s just as well, because due diligence tells us that there are individuals in the Whyus sales force who still believe that CME stands for ‘Continuing Medical Education’,” Sinister smirked.
“They need to understand that at Phoni, CME stands for ‘Concerted Marketing Exercise’, in accordance with our company’s financial expectations. We demand everyone to be Toadying Sycophants Who Do Exactly What They Are Told Without Question No Matter How Wrong, in line with our Core Behaviours of Teamwork and Integrity,” he said.
“A rigorous evaluation of sales performance against specific company characteristics will form part of the systematic approach to “right-sizing” the new combined sales team, as part of our ongoing ‘Shining Path’ initiative. Those losers, sorry, employees not meeting the expected criteria will be participating in our new ‘salary withdrawal’ scheme in line with our policy of treating all employees with Dignity and Respect.”
“This is all part of Making the Phoni Of The Future A Great Place To Work,” frothed Sinister. “Oh, and making bucket-loads of money any which way…”
Tales from the parallel universe of reality can be found here, here and here…
“This move is in no way related to our recent hostile takeover and proposed asset-strip, sorry, acquisition, of Whyus,” said Phoni CEO Johnny B. Sinister. The Whyus takeover move has been welcomed by the financial sector given the promise of massive loan interest repayments, and also by Phoni investors, who have shown their enthusiasm for the takeover by wiping 20% off of the Phoni stock price since the announcement was made.
“The move to reduce our sales force was taken before the random desperation-stakes decision to buy up Whyus”, Sinister explained, “and was driven by our recent agreement to take a $2.3 billion dollar charge to end yet another federal investigation related to off-label marketing of our CASH-2 medicines Grababux and Buxtra.
“Not that we admit to any wrong doing,” Sinister emphasised, “we just like giving money to federal authorities, especially as they are a bit short of cash to give to banks who can then give it back to us so that we can buy up other companies…”
The recent rash of multi-million dollar settlements by Phoni and others has been widely interpreted as an attempt by the pharmaceutical industry to demonstrate to the new US administration that it is ‘getting its house in order”.
“We’ve worked hard to try and make sure that billion dollar settlements for corporate misdemeanours such as off-label marketing become a thing of the past,” said Sinister.
“That’s why we spent a fortune lobbying the previous administration to get off-label promotion legalised. And whilst we’ve done our best to make sure that the new administration is just as full of bought-and-paid-for patsies as the last one was, we don’t want to take any chances,” said Sinister. “$2.3 billion could turn out to be a good deal if the Democrats really live up to their promises…”
Phoni has been working closely with government investigators in order to help identify those responsible for the illegal marketing of Grababux and Buxtra. “We have traced these activities right back through the organisation to individual sales staff, and these employees will be making up many of those whose roles are being terminated,” said Sinister.
“After all, if these guys are dumb enough to get caught, we don’t want them as sales reps,” he argued. “Our disciplinary actions are in accordance with our Core Behaviours - our company values demand that we only employ sales representatives who are devious weasels of the highest calibre and smart enough to cover up all trace of illegal practices.”
“As for the rest of the deselected”, Sinister added, “they’ll be made of the sexually unattractive and all males over the age of fifty as usual, in line with our corporate policies on Respect and Diversity. After all, we don’t any mingers or old codgers in our field staff, do we…?”
Phoni has not ruled out further sales force reductions as a result of the recent takeover of Whyus.
“Now that off-label promotion via third-rate medical journals is acceptable, we won’t need as many sales staff reps as it’ll be far easier to broaden our markets without all of those time-consuming safety studies to worry about. That’s just as well, because due diligence tells us that there are individuals in the Whyus sales force who still believe that CME stands for ‘Continuing Medical Education’,” Sinister smirked.
“They need to understand that at Phoni, CME stands for ‘Concerted Marketing Exercise’, in accordance with our company’s financial expectations. We demand everyone to be Toadying Sycophants Who Do Exactly What They Are Told Without Question No Matter How Wrong, in line with our Core Behaviours of Teamwork and Integrity,” he said.
“A rigorous evaluation of sales performance against specific company characteristics will form part of the systematic approach to “right-sizing” the new combined sales team, as part of our ongoing ‘Shining Path’ initiative. Those losers, sorry, employees not meeting the expected criteria will be participating in our new ‘salary withdrawal’ scheme in line with our policy of treating all employees with Dignity and Respect.”
“This is all part of Making the Phoni Of The Future A Great Place To Work,” frothed Sinister. “Oh, and making bucket-loads of money any which way…”
Tales from the parallel universe of reality can be found here, here and here…
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