In a reversal of military strategy, Merck’s Commander-In-Chief, General “Stormin” Dick Clark, this week announced that he would be launching “The Mother of All Takeovers” in a bid to oust his arch-rival, Saddam Hassan, and bring down the neighbouring New Jersey regime of Schering-Plough.
“We believe that Hassan is in the possession of Weapons of Mass Distraction, and that’s he’s not afraid to use them,” said General Clark. “His handling of the Vitorin ENHANCE study shows that.”
“WMDs need to be in the hands of experts like us,” Clark explained. “Our marketing of Vioxx shows that we can be trusted with them. New Jersey doesn’t need a maniac like Hassan on the loose with them, and he represents a danger to us. We have to take him out now, before his empire becomes too big.”
Shock and Awe
Saddam Hassan has gone to ground in his White Horse Station, NJ, bunker and has been little seen since hostilities began. General Clark anticipated a quick end to the battle, however.
“We’ve got $41 billion to throw at the enemy,” Clark boasted. “Few companies can stand up to that. And as for Hassan himself, we have a special $60 million “money bomb” that will send him packing. He and his supporters won’t be around for much longer…”
General Clark dismissed claims that he had abandoned his command’s original strategy of supporting peaceful, non-aggressive in-house research and development to fund future revenue and earnings.
“Our High Command remains fully committed to increasing revenue and earnings, especially our own personal ones,” General Clark said, “it’s just that we’ve now decided to buy them in rather than try and grow them ourselves, just like every other big pharmaceutical company has done recently.”
Unfriendly fire
The state of New Jersey is no stranger to the hardship and destruction caused by the local warlords of major pharmaceutical companies as they fight for dominance.
“I can remember back in ’02, when Pfizer’s black-shirted stormtroopers marched into Pharmacia’s offices in Peapack,” said one industry veteran and local resident, Peter Rost.
“Thousands of careers were lost, including my own,” he recalls. “It was carnage. Hassan was in command then and he just took the money and ran, leaving thousands of employees to suffer. It’ll be no different this time. Schering Plough’s troops on the ground can expect little mercy from the invaders…”
Dad’s Army
“Whilst we regret the civilian impact, a campaign like this is bound to generate casualties,” General Clark notes, “particularly amongst the local factions loyal to Saddam Hassan and his empire.”
“Our campaign plan is to move our forces from our current base at Kenilworth NJ and occupy their White Horse Command Station as soon as possible,” said the General. “It’ll be a bloody battle, and we’re expecting to lose 16,000 or more troops before the end of this operation. Or at least, we hope to...”
“After all, we’re partly financing this campaign with money borrowed from banks that have been propped up with government bale-out money in order to save jobs. And if we as Merck’s leaders have to send 16,000 people over the top in order to save our own jobs, then anyone can see that’s completely in accord with Government intentions…”
Analyst retentive
“We believe that this invasion will, in the long term, enhance shareholder value, just like all of the other pharmaceutical mega-mergers have,” said Mike Bonkers, a Wall Street analyst.
“It will produce a complementary product portfolio and pipeline focused on key therapeutic areas… …robust R&D to deliver innovative medicines for patients… gibber gibber strong financial profile…Bear Stearns, a great financial institution… …synergy of managerial functions with resultant significant cost savings and gains in efficiency…that Bernie Madoff, what a great fund manager he is…enhanced R&D productivity…IS THAT A HEADLESS HORSEMAN IS THAT A HEADLESS HORSEMAN!!!?....
“We believe that Hassan is in the possession of Weapons of Mass Distraction, and that’s he’s not afraid to use them,” said General Clark. “His handling of the Vitorin ENHANCE study shows that.”
“WMDs need to be in the hands of experts like us,” Clark explained. “Our marketing of Vioxx shows that we can be trusted with them. New Jersey doesn’t need a maniac like Hassan on the loose with them, and he represents a danger to us. We have to take him out now, before his empire becomes too big.”
Shock and Awe
Saddam Hassan has gone to ground in his White Horse Station, NJ, bunker and has been little seen since hostilities began. General Clark anticipated a quick end to the battle, however.
“We’ve got $41 billion to throw at the enemy,” Clark boasted. “Few companies can stand up to that. And as for Hassan himself, we have a special $60 million “money bomb” that will send him packing. He and his supporters won’t be around for much longer…”
General Clark dismissed claims that he had abandoned his command’s original strategy of supporting peaceful, non-aggressive in-house research and development to fund future revenue and earnings.
“Our High Command remains fully committed to increasing revenue and earnings, especially our own personal ones,” General Clark said, “it’s just that we’ve now decided to buy them in rather than try and grow them ourselves, just like every other big pharmaceutical company has done recently.”
Unfriendly fire
The state of New Jersey is no stranger to the hardship and destruction caused by the local warlords of major pharmaceutical companies as they fight for dominance.
“I can remember back in ’02, when Pfizer’s black-shirted stormtroopers marched into Pharmacia’s offices in Peapack,” said one industry veteran and local resident, Peter Rost.
“Thousands of careers were lost, including my own,” he recalls. “It was carnage. Hassan was in command then and he just took the money and ran, leaving thousands of employees to suffer. It’ll be no different this time. Schering Plough’s troops on the ground can expect little mercy from the invaders…”
Dad’s Army
“Whilst we regret the civilian impact, a campaign like this is bound to generate casualties,” General Clark notes, “particularly amongst the local factions loyal to Saddam Hassan and his empire.”
“Our campaign plan is to move our forces from our current base at Kenilworth NJ and occupy their White Horse Command Station as soon as possible,” said the General. “It’ll be a bloody battle, and we’re expecting to lose 16,000 or more troops before the end of this operation. Or at least, we hope to...”
“After all, we’re partly financing this campaign with money borrowed from banks that have been propped up with government bale-out money in order to save jobs. And if we as Merck’s leaders have to send 16,000 people over the top in order to save our own jobs, then anyone can see that’s completely in accord with Government intentions…”
Analyst retentive
“We believe that this invasion will, in the long term, enhance shareholder value, just like all of the other pharmaceutical mega-mergers have,” said Mike Bonkers, a Wall Street analyst.
“It will produce a complementary product portfolio and pipeline focused on key therapeutic areas… …robust R&D to deliver innovative medicines for patients… gibber gibber strong financial profile…Bear Stearns, a great financial institution… …synergy of managerial functions with resultant significant cost savings and gains in efficiency…that Bernie Madoff, what a great fund manager he is…enhanced R&D productivity…IS THAT A HEADLESS HORSEMAN IS THAT A HEADLESS HORSEMAN!!!?....
2 comments:
I think the company logos should be swapped in the included diagram
Do go see my new Faux-logo, along with a story about a suit to ENJOIN the transaction, filed last night, right here:
http://shearlingsplowed.blogspot.com/2009/03/merckschering-plough-deal-to-be.html
Cheers!
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