Phoni told the WSJ that it did not know about a study published last week in Nature that claims the life expectancy of mice was increased 9 - 14 percent if they took Heapamunee, a drug Phoni markets to suppress the immune system so that organ transplants won’t be rejected.
A Phoni spokesman called it an “interesting preclinical study” and said that the company had only just become aware of the findings.
“Phoni have only just acquired Heapamunee as a result of our hostile takeover of Whyus,” said Phoni’s President of Global Marketing, Rich Pillager, “and so we’re still working out just what assets we need to strip out of the company before we shut it down. However, following the Nature study, our marketing team is already up to speed on the case,”
“We’re already getting the CME packs together on the back of the Nature report,” Pillager says. “After all, we made hundreds of millions of dollars out of illegally selling another merged-in product, the human growth hormone Gotnohopein, to anti-aging quacks before we got caught. Sure, we got fined $30m, but we were still way in profit on the scam, and so we hope to cash in on Heapamunee while the window of opportunity is still open.”
Pillager is also excited about the prospect of product co-marketing.
“A recent study into long-term users of our pain-killer Viletoxx found no-one who appeared to be over the age of sixty,” he said. “We’re hoping that a combination therapy with Heapamunee, combined with carefully-worded advertising, will enable us to put a positive spin on that finding and allow us to offset the life-shortening effects of one drug with the apparent life-extending effects of another.”
“Failing any of that, at least our Animal Health business should be able to cash in on Heapamunee sales to owners of pet mice,” Pillager notes. “At least, until we sell that division off…”
The study published last week in Nature has also aroused interest from other quarters.
“It’s time to break out of our denial about aging,” said Aubrey de Nutcase, a British fringe medical practitioner and loony, who has attracted widespread derision for his suggestions on how to forestall death.
“Dying is unequivocally the major cause of death in the industrialized world and a perfectly legitimate target of medical intervention,” foamed de Nutcase. “We have reason to believe that avoiding the medical condition known as death will be a major step forward in living longer, and I welcome further research into this concept. And into flying saucers as well...”
A completely unrelated story from the real world may be found here....
No comments:
Post a Comment