Phoni Pharm Inc., the Anglo-US pharmaceutical company that carried out a disastrous clinical trial of its antibiotic Unprovan on a number of children suffering from meningitis in Rumbabwe’s Nokando State during 1996, has demanded a DNA report from anyone who believes that they are entitled to compensation, a retired justice of the Rumbabwe Supreme Court, Justice Bankdi Baksheesh, has said.
Hundreds of children were reported dead or deformed as a result of the use of Unprovan. Earlier this year, the Nokando State Government formally signed an agreement with Phoni over the controversial drug trial, and an out-of-court settlement of $75million was finally made after years of litigation.
Speaking at the palace of the Grand Banana of Nokando on Friday, Justice Baksheesh said that “Phoni came to Rumbabwe in 1996 at the peak of the outbreak of meningitis in Nokando, and paid us bribes to allow them to run a secret clinical trial in a third world country no-one had ever heard of.”
”The company wanted to test the drug here because they thought it might be too risky to test on people in the US. Unfortunately for Phoni, the government and people of the state, it seems that we Rumbabweans have exactly the same biochemistry as the rest of the human race, which resulted in tragic consequences for many children in Nokando”.
The retired Justice said that his team were at the palace to seek the guidance of Phoni’s General Counsel, Orville P. Huckster, to ensure that as few people as possible were actually entitled to make a compensation claim.
“We reckon that a third world country like Rumbabwe won’t have the necessary expertise to conduct DNA tests, not that would-be claimants could ever afford to have them done anyway,” said Huckster. ”Of course, DNA testing would mean nothing, as we destroyed all records of the trials as soon as they all went pear-shaped. This DNA test condition is just a spurious legal hurdle which we anticipate these poor saps simply won’t be able to negotiate.”
“We got a great result in getting these hillbillies to settle for a measly $75 million, and now we’re determined to maximize those savings still further...”
Huckster also reminded the Grand Banana that out of the $75 million compensation Phoni had agreed to pay, only a maximum $30 million would go to the victims and their families. Another $30 million would be used to provide “health projects” in the state, while $10 million would go for “litigation” and $5 million used to settle “sundry expenses”.
”So in short, we’re giving $45 million to government officials and their friends. And if they play their cards right and cut down on the number of claims, it could be a bit more…”
Responding, the Grand Banana explained that he was aware of the task before the committees instituted by the state government to handle both the settlement of compensation to the victims and healthcare issues, as agreed by Phoni and the Nokando State government.
Said the Grand Banana, “I have to commend the efforts of my government officials in ensuring that we get our hands on the cash as soon as possible”.
”There are some great deals to be had on luxury motor cars at the moment, and it is essential that our people receive their just compensation by seeing their rulers travel in a style commensurate with the national pride of Rumbabwe. Long live Phoni!”
Just when you thought this sad and terrible story couldn’t get any worse, this totally imaginary scenario is mirrored by a completely unrelated tale from reality…
Hat-tip Jim Edwards…
1 comment:
Sadly, this whole situation sounds like any number of class action suits getting settled here in the USA :-(
Post a Comment