The first of Phoni’s Yeuramorontin (grabacashin) mass tort cases collapsed today after the plaintiffs dropped the case following a mystery donation of $50,000. The lead plaintiffs’ lawyer, Mark Zanier, said that a mystery benefactor known only as a “Mr. J. B. Sinister (no relation)”, who had been watching the case in the courtroom, wished to spare the plantiff’s daughter the ordeal of giving evidence in the trial.
“The benefactor wished to make it clear that his concern was purely on humanitarian grounds, and had nothing to do with the possibility, albeit remote, of his company going down several hundred million dollars should the case have succeeded, thus opening the floodgates for others,” said Zanier.
“The money is to be used to set up a trust fund for the rehabilitation of the plaintiff’s daughter following her recent ordeal. Isn’t that wild?” Zanier said. “I’ve never had a company openly bribe a plaintiff to withdraw their case before.”
Wild, and also convenient.
The plaintiff’s family had claimed that Yeuramorontin had been prescribed off-label for their daughter, Susan Boyle, who had broken down in humiliation as a result of appearing on “Britain’s Got Talent”. The anti-seizure drug was not indicated for mental illness and prior to taking the drug, the woman had never attempted career suicide before and had no history of wishing to submit to the public derision of appearing on relentlessly low-brow TV shows.
Phoni can breathe a sigh of relief, too. The first witness, former drug sales rep turned whistleblower, Dave Paidmeoff, told the court how he was stalked by Phoni’s infamous corporate security division.
He told the courtroom that the day before trial, sixteen white vans bearing the Phoni logo had blocked his driveway and began firing rockets at his house. After Paidmeoff’s testimony (during which he said that the private army had yelled at his wife and young daughter through a megaphone, saying “we know where you live, don’t fuck with us or else”), the Judge said [to Phoni lawyer William Assohlemeyer] that “Sinister had better call off Phoni’s rottweilers if he doesn’t want to end up in contempt of court.”
Assohlemeyer confirmed the incident later.
“It sounds like this didn’t happen the way it should have happened,” Assohlemeyer said, “insomuch as we got caught. We’ve apologized to Mr. Sinister (Phoni’s CEO) for what happened, and we’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. Getting found out, that is…”
Having performed The Great Escape — the settlement truncates any more entertaining testimony about what else Phoni’s spies might have gotten up to in the case – Sinister then decided to open his mouth.
“Yeuramorontin has been prescribed to treat millions of patients, and we haven’t felt the need to listen to a single complaint about the drug’s side effects for more than two decades,” Phoni CEO and Chairman Johnny B. Sinister said in a phone interview on Bloomberg Television today.
“We are therefore pleased to have been completely and utterly vindicated in this case, even though it never got heard properly thanks to my timely pay-off, sorry, the intervention of a mystery benefactor. So in your face, losers, yee-hah,” he said, whilst making rude hand-gestures and performing a bizarre victory dance. “Swivel on this…”
“Vindicated?” Zanier didn’t like that. Sinister’s comments are “outrageous,” he said.
“All Phoni got today was a six-month stay of execution. Thousands more have suffered the needless degradation and humiliation of succumbing to the urge to appear on “Britain’s Got Talent” as a result of the massive off-label prescribing of Yeuramorontin. Phoni have to be stopped. Or Simon Cowell has. It’s a humanitarian disaster…”
Strange and entirely unrelated tales from the parallel universe of reality can be found here…
1 comment:
Appropriate level of chortling ...
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