Following the announcement of the closure of their R&D site at Pratt’s Bottom in Kent, Phoni Pharmaceuticals UK yesterday confirmed that the facility was being sold to the US firm Yamasee Pharmaceuticals for an undisclosed sum.
“Heap big deal for us,” said Yamasee’s CEO, Big Chief Running Joke. “We have heap big history of attacking outlying settlements and massacring homesteaders. This deal allows us to carry on with proud traditions of company. And glass beads we got for taking over site were heap pretty. Squaws are very pleased…”
Phoni UK’s R&D chief, Moncreif Salami, was equally upbeat. “We are pleased to be able to secure a future for the site and its employees, and especially one which avoids us having to honour our expensive severance terms,” he said delightedly.
Roving reporter Pharma Giles spoke to the Head of Yamasee’s UK Operations, Harold Steptoe.
How did your company first become aware that the Pratt’s Bottom research campus was up for sale?
Well, I’ve been emptyin’ Mr. Salami’s bins for years and I was jus’ pickin’ through ‘em, lookin’ for some decent scrap, like, when all of a sudden ol’ Salami comes out and sez to me, “Ere, I’ve got a much bigger load of unwanted rubbish I want getting rid of”. So I takes me ‘orse and cart round to where Mr. Salami says, and he waves ‘is hands at the ‘ole Pratt’s Bottom site an’ says “Ere’s ten quid, get rid of the lot.”
What are your company’s plans for the site?Well, there’s some good copper in the pipes and cables, and loads of lead flashing on the roofs. A lot of the light fittings are brass as well. You can get a fortune for that these days.
So the main strategy is just to asset-strip what you can?Er, not as such, no. Oi! Pack that in! (waves at his horse, which is nibbing at one of the shrubs in the car park). Bloody ‘orse. We can sell those shrubs to garden centres. Anyway, we’ve got our top team of asset analysts currently evaluating the site, as you can see (gestures to a dozen or so scruffy caravans parked in the car-park). My team are currently looking at what we can get for scrap, sorry, are assessing the viability of the site to best determine how it fits within our company portfolio. Excuse me...(mobile phone rings). ‘Allo Bob. No. No, I don’t know what a mass spectrometer is, either, Bob. Just stick it in the boot fair on Sunday and see if you can get a tenner for it. Cheers, Bob.
What are your plans for the staff currently working here?
I’m proud to say that our parent company Yamasee is an Equal Opportunities Employer. They treat everyone like shit, not just their US staff. As for the people on site here, we value the skills they have. Most of them seem quite adept at using screwdrivers and crowbars, and we think they’ll be no end of help in getting all of the good stuff out of the buildings and into the skips during the initial site handover period.
How does the Pratt’s Bottom staff compliment fit in with any longer term plans your company has?
Phoni UK have done an excellent job in paying anyone with an ounce of “Get Up And Go” to get up and go before we came in. All we’re left with are the supine or the eternally optimistic, which suits us just fine. In the current job market, we anticipate little resistance to a change to hourly pay rates at minimum wages. We don’t need Ph.Ds in our current set-up, after all, so if they want to drift off and get teaching jobs or whatever, that’s fine by us. The rest we can sub out as contract labour if we have to. Lots of temp work around here in the summer as farm hands…
What about the site facilities?Prime building land in a green belt area like this should command a premium price. And if we can’t get planning permission, there’s always the option of using the existing buildings and security arrangements to house illegal immigrants since the French closed Sangatte. That should mean the locals will welcome a high density housing estate after a few years…
So it’s business as usual, then?
Pretty much so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get these old fume cupboard motors on to my cart. There’s some good copper in these…
Unrelated tales from the real world could be emerging shortly…
“Heap big deal for us,” said Yamasee’s CEO, Big Chief Running Joke. “We have heap big history of attacking outlying settlements and massacring homesteaders. This deal allows us to carry on with proud traditions of company. And glass beads we got for taking over site were heap pretty. Squaws are very pleased…”
Phoni UK’s R&D chief, Moncreif Salami, was equally upbeat. “We are pleased to be able to secure a future for the site and its employees, and especially one which avoids us having to honour our expensive severance terms,” he said delightedly.
Roving reporter Pharma Giles spoke to the Head of Yamasee’s UK Operations, Harold Steptoe.
How did your company first become aware that the Pratt’s Bottom research campus was up for sale?
Well, I’ve been emptyin’ Mr. Salami’s bins for years and I was jus’ pickin’ through ‘em, lookin’ for some decent scrap, like, when all of a sudden ol’ Salami comes out and sez to me, “Ere, I’ve got a much bigger load of unwanted rubbish I want getting rid of”. So I takes me ‘orse and cart round to where Mr. Salami says, and he waves ‘is hands at the ‘ole Pratt’s Bottom site an’ says “Ere’s ten quid, get rid of the lot.”
What are your company’s plans for the site?Well, there’s some good copper in the pipes and cables, and loads of lead flashing on the roofs. A lot of the light fittings are brass as well. You can get a fortune for that these days.
So the main strategy is just to asset-strip what you can?Er, not as such, no. Oi! Pack that in! (waves at his horse, which is nibbing at one of the shrubs in the car park). Bloody ‘orse. We can sell those shrubs to garden centres. Anyway, we’ve got our top team of asset analysts currently evaluating the site, as you can see (gestures to a dozen or so scruffy caravans parked in the car-park). My team are currently looking at what we can get for scrap, sorry, are assessing the viability of the site to best determine how it fits within our company portfolio. Excuse me...(mobile phone rings). ‘Allo Bob. No. No, I don’t know what a mass spectrometer is, either, Bob. Just stick it in the boot fair on Sunday and see if you can get a tenner for it. Cheers, Bob.
What are your plans for the staff currently working here?
I’m proud to say that our parent company Yamasee is an Equal Opportunities Employer. They treat everyone like shit, not just their US staff. As for the people on site here, we value the skills they have. Most of them seem quite adept at using screwdrivers and crowbars, and we think they’ll be no end of help in getting all of the good stuff out of the buildings and into the skips during the initial site handover period.
How does the Pratt’s Bottom staff compliment fit in with any longer term plans your company has?
Phoni UK have done an excellent job in paying anyone with an ounce of “Get Up And Go” to get up and go before we came in. All we’re left with are the supine or the eternally optimistic, which suits us just fine. In the current job market, we anticipate little resistance to a change to hourly pay rates at minimum wages. We don’t need Ph.Ds in our current set-up, after all, so if they want to drift off and get teaching jobs or whatever, that’s fine by us. The rest we can sub out as contract labour if we have to. Lots of temp work around here in the summer as farm hands…
What about the site facilities?Prime building land in a green belt area like this should command a premium price. And if we can’t get planning permission, there’s always the option of using the existing buildings and security arrangements to house illegal immigrants since the French closed Sangatte. That should mean the locals will welcome a high density housing estate after a few years…
So it’s business as usual, then?
Pretty much so. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get these old fume cupboard motors on to my cart. There’s some good copper in these…
Unrelated tales from the real world could be emerging shortly…
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