Shock as Novartis CEO stands down.
The pharmaceutical industry grapevine was abuzz with the news that Saint Daniel of Vasella has decided to stand down from his position as principal deity of pharmaceutical giant Novartis.
”I feel it is time to acknowledge the concerns of the Archbishopric and to therefore relinquish my role as God The Father,” said St. Daniel to the shocked and tearful worshippers assembled at the annual Novartis General Synod yesterday.
“However, I will still continue in my ordained capacities as God The Son and God The Holy Ghost,” the Anointed One continued.
“I leave my heavenly mountain abode at the height of the company’s success, secure in the knowledge that the only direction the fortunes of Novartis will be taking in future is an Earthward one,” He said. “And I also get to side-step the fall-out from our off-label marketing scams.”
“Now let us read from the Book of St. Garnier The Unrepentant.”
“2For I, your leader, have committed the sin of being too successful.
3Verily has our company waxed fruitful, and yea does its R&D portfolio bear a bountiful harvest whilst all around, other lands are turned to dust.”
“4Yet I do not worship at the Pharmaceutical Temple of Outsourcing To Asia, nor at the Holy Shrine of Mass Downsizing, as is the fashion of our neighbours”.
”5And so it is with a heavy heart that I decree that it is time for the Church of Novartis to become like unto our industry brethren.”
“6Henceforth, we shall abandon the Pursuit of Excellence in exchange for the Pursuit of Mammon and the Holy Grail of Bigger Shareholder Returns.”
“7To this end I commend you to the care of His Holiness, Lord Voldemort of Heinz. 8Lord Voldemort’s experience of our industry is second to everyone’s and yet, yea, I proclaim this to be of no consequence.”
“9For Lord Voldemort is that most Holy of Men, an MBA from Harvard with marketing experience, as is so desired by our shareholders.”
“10May God Help this company, and all those who worship at its alter…”
11And thus did St Daniel cast off his mantle of greatness, and wander lonely into the desert of Public Office, consoled only by a multi-million dollar golden parachute.
12And Saint McKinnell looked down from the glory of obscene severance terms and said: “It Is Good”.
Similarly biblical tales can be found here.
Jean Pierre Garnier, Fred Hassan and now Dan Vasella. Who will keep us entertained once the industry's "characters" have retired into luxury?
1 comment:
Vassella was a firm opponent of the fad of growth by merger. The total takeover of Alcon was forced on him, and now he's had enough of Novartis's crazy new board and their backers. Watch out Astra Zeneca...
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